“You’ll never be the same,” he said.
And he’s right, my friend who said these words. I won’t. My Curly Girl won’t. We won’t. We will not be the same. Ever again. And we will carry scars. Maybe even deep, ugly jagged ones. But sure as I sit here on the long southern porch of a guest house in western North Carolina, a storm rolling across the mountains, the sun setting, with some damn good colleagues around me, I know this to be true: We will be okay.
We. Will. Be. Okay.
****
On June 27, after a really awful and unimaginable series of events, my daughter’s father, my former husband, took his own life. My heart is broken for my precious girl, and for all who knew and loved her father. Completely broken. And in the days since his death, I have often felt as if I am living someone else’s life. Like I somehow wound up cast in a stage play for which I have no instruction, no lines, no real idea of what the plot is, but am still expected to play the role I’ve been handed.
It has been a fucking nightmare. And there’s no way around that. And no way to soften the vocabulary I use to describe what I’m feeling.
There’s a whole lot of grief. A whole lot of questions. A whole lot of angry. A whole lot of wondering how in the world we got to this point. And there is so, so much that I do not know. And perhaps might not ever know. So much I will likely never understand. And I think, somehow, I may just have to live with those questions. The unknowing. The not understanding.
But there are some things I do know, and these are the things I’m holding onto this night, as I sit a long way from home and caught in a delicious/painful/awful/necessary in-between of what was once my life and what it has become. Liminal time, some folks call it. A sacred in-between of thresholds of existence, when we move from what has been to what will be.
I know this:
- That I will be able to tell my daughter, with a full and clear heart, all my days, that in his own way and as best as he was able, her father loved her Very. Much. And that his last thoughts were of her and her future. There is promise in this. Hope. Even in the awfulness.
- That we are all many things. And sometimes we have in us awful and terrible things. And sometimes those awful and terrible things win. And when the awful and terrible wins in the life of someone we’ve known and loved, perhaps the best thing we can do is stand as witness to what is good. And extend mercy to the places where its so desperately needed. And close our mouths to judgment and open our ears to grace. This is how love wins. Even when evil seems so close to the finish line.
- That darkness is all around us. But so is light. And in the last few weeks, I’ve known light at its best and brightest in the people around me. The family and friends who have, no matter the cost, no matter the inconvenience, no matter the pain of it all, stood with us. Firm. Tall. Strong. And said, “We’re with you. You are loved. And you are never alone.” This has been everything. And it has meant that even in our darkest, and most terrifying moments, we have been able to stand. Even if with faltering steps and weary hearts. Because not for a moment have we been without help. Without unconditional redemptive love.
- That gossip is as hurtful in a situation like this as it was on the middle school playground. And those who wish to engage in gossip do not get to be part of our lives right now.
- That there are no guarantees in this life. And some times it seems as if some sort of celestial throat punch has been delivered just when you least expect it. There’s no protection from sorrow. No escaping deep and tremendous and life-changing pain. But there is surviving it. There might even, one day, though just now it seems impossible, be thriving.
Tomorrow I am supposed to speak. About the book I recently wrote. To a group of people I don’t know. At an event called Wild Goose. I’m scared as hell. And cannot imagine how I’ll find the words, even as I rehearse them in my head. And I also know that a whole lot of ugly crap has gone down in the world in the last few weeks, even as I have been caught up in our own trauma and sadness. I’ve no idea how to merge the pain of our own story with the pain of the world’s story. But I do know this–our stories, they shape us. To be sure. But they do not have to define us. They do not have to determine our futures. We get to choose what happens beyond the sorrow.
And as for me, I’m choosing light. Even in the darkness. For me. For my Curly Girl. And my desperate hope is that in choosing the light we will, together, somehow help bring that light into being, just as all those who love us have begun to help us see that light’s existence.
Sunset in the North Carolina mountains tonight was something to behold. Pure and golden and majestic. And like the most beautiful of blessings. On the darkness that has been. And on the light that will be.
Light. Even in the darkness. Wherever we can catch a glimpse. Even on the days when we wonder how we’ll ever be okay again.
Because one day, I know, deep in my bones, we will be.
Someone Stole My Coffee 
I’m not even sure if you’ll get this, but wanted to add our love, prayers and support to the litany of others. Through it all– may you continue to find the light, share the light and trust the story, your story, doesn’t end here.
Just be you at Wild Goose. No more, no less.
Shalom, Kyle 317.224.6228
Pastor Yorktown Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)
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Love. You are loved.
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Beautiful. Powerful. Raw. Hopeful. I am so grateful to “hear” your voice, and yes, there are events that forever change us but can also make us stronger. Continue to feel the love that surrounds you; all will someday and somehow be well.
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My heart aches for you and CG. I am sending love because I have no words.
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Julie, you and yours are in my prayers. Never forget that there are people that care.
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Yes Julie! You and your family are in my heart, on my mind and in my prayers always. Good luck tomorrow. Know you are loved!
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I give thanks for the grace, light, and love that surrounds you, there and in places you haven’t even been aware of. Where there are no adequate words, there is still love and hope. Where there is no understanding, there is still faith to carry on.
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Holding you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing….now, tomorrow and in the days to come. Blessings, my friend.
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The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. Sometimes VERY hard to see/feel/hope for. And another one: “I have overcome the world.” I pray that these come deeply true for you and CG, and all who loved him. Standing with you in love, from way over here.
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Beautifully said. Much love and light to you and your family.
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Dear one, you are held in our hearts and prayers as is your dear daughter. The light will be with as you face the days, weeks and years ahead. Love and blessings to you as you speak your heart today.
Colette
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My thoughts and prayers are with you. Such a well written piece in the midst of great sorrow. There is a strength in you. Hold tight to it and your Curly Girl.
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Thank you for this gift, Julie. Holding you and Curly Girl in my thoughts and prayers.
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Prayers, I have worked as a psych nurse for 11 yrs, I have always grieved for the families , the survivors. In my groups on suicide I stress how it hurts the ones you live the most. When a patient is in total darkness and believes their family is better off , I teach them no, this is the torment in your soul , not the light. Always look for the light . It is there, it just takes time. I strive to teach so my patients heal and prayerfully never have another attempt…
You will be in my daily prayers .
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Julie, you and CG have been in my thoughts and prayers.
I have been a reader of your blog for several years and your words have meant so much to me over the years.
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You and Curly girl have been in my thoughts for several years. Even more during this difficult time. Know you are loved and cared about. Light will win. I lost my dad this way, please let CG always know he loved her, it does mean a lot.
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dear writer of words and sharer of words -thank you for raw emotion and for sharing a bit of light….
prayers for you and curly haired girl
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I cannot offer the profound, because you have already said it. You and Curly Girl have been in my thoughts and prayers. It is comforting to know of the love that surrounds you both. You have a friend in me.
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I’ve just read this post this week. 4-3-17. My brother took his life 3-17-16. It helps to be validated in what you think and feel because it all seems so crazy. Thank you for sharing and though it has been almost a year for you I will be praying as I found the one year mark to be filled with grace even though I dreaded it. A couple years before I chose this verse to be one of my favorites, little did I know how much I would be clinging to it. And you have titled your post with it :“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
John 1:5 NIV
http://bible.com/111/jhn.1.5.niv
I will be praying for you and your curly girl. My brother left behind a daughter who is 17 years old. Future grace is hard to imagine, so we just live in the grace of today. Are used to blog at least weekly or by weekly, but have only posted for times in the last year. It really sucked the life out of me, but not all of it because the Spirit of God dwells in me and gives me hope.
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Reblogged this on Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Life Transitions Resource Library.
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A friend sent this to me because she had the same experience and now I have. It was 5 and a half weeks ago. She sent this two weeks ago and the first time I read it I bawled. So raw and so true. I just reread it without a tear. It is still so raw and powerful, but this time I believe it. I have two girls and I know that one day we will be ok again. Thank your for writing this for all of us who are in a club that we never wanted to be a part of. I find comfort in knowing others are here with me.
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